A Memory of Scars
by Humida
Summary: After marrying Shinji, Rei recollects her past and her past deaths and lives. she is not well.
1. Chapter 1

She watches him sleep, his hair spilt across the pillow case, breaths low and sharp. She watches the rise and fall of his chest, how his eyes flutter and watches as he twist in his sheets, words muttered quietly under his breath. He is much different from the thin withdrawn boy from so many years ago. Physically at least, but inside he is still that scared child who yearns for his mother. She can only do her best to fill that void he has.

The sounds of his distress become more pronounced, the words almost audible now. Sighing, she stands from her seat and walks over to him, her hand wavering over his frame, unsure wether she should wake him. He turns, his back to her then, pillow gripped tightly in his hands. "Rei..." he whispers in a low voice. "Rei...don't leave me..."

The tears run down his cheeks, his fingers digging into the covers, back hunched over and tensed as if he were an overgrown 30 yr old baby, with his knees tucked up near to his chest. Rei smiles, parting the hair from his forehead. She leans down and kisses him lightly on the forehead. "I am here, my love. I will not leave you."

"Rei..." he says once more, the rest of what he says becoming a jumbled mess. She wonders if he is still having his night terrors from that incident but his body relaxes, the tension easing. She nods when she hears the baby crying from the other end of the room. Not wishing to wake her husband, she walks over to the crib, lifting the baby out and unbuttoning her blouse, exposing her breast so that her child may sup. It takes him a moment to find her teat with his stubby little fingers, but once he does he grips her hungrily, supping from her life giving nutrients. She looks down at her small child, her little Gendo, so different from the madman who died so many years ago trying to destroy all of humanity. Her original creator. The one who combined the blood of angel and human to create her. A living being made of the flesh of both, but so flawed as well. Because of what she was she came out with a nearly nonexistent color of blue to her hair, pure white skin and eyes a startling red. A being in the world but with no concept of it. With no heart or thought of her own until Shinji came into her life.

She takes a seat, rocking the child back and forth in her arms, memories running through her mind. It has been years now, she thinks. Years since the second perished to save him, burning alive in that flash of explosion, the pain an instantaneous thing and then the third when she gave her flesh to bring back all life, simply dissolving in another type of explosion. And now the fourth.

She remembers... remembers the pain, as if it were fresh and raw. Her hand instinctively goes to her spine where the freshest memory reminds her of her agony and she quickly withdraws her hand, biting at her nails, holding back the tears. She will not let herself break down again, let herself remember. Shinji has been through enough already, he need not know this as well.

Dr. Akagi said this will be the final body that she will be able to provide her, that all the others are too far gone and deteriorated and will not hold up for more than a few years. That is fine, she thinks. She doesn't want to come back again if she has to keep holding these memories inside of her all the time.

She remembers the last time, the last time as the fourth died. The accident as Suzuhara had pinned her to a tree after a night of arguing with Hikari and then spent drinking. It had been a terrible mix of coincidences. That he'd just had his fight with Hikari and she and Shinji had been exiting the theater just after celebrating their anniversary at that same moment. Then there had been that flash of light, the burst of speed as the vehicle had come bearing down on her, the hot metal rushing at her with the hard bark of the tree meeting her spine. The sound her bones made as they crunched like so much glass had been as horrid as all the sharp needles rushing up her body. She remembers how she had lost all feeling in her legs as she felt the blood rush out of her body, covering the floor beneath her.

Worse than the numbness though, worse than feeling as her life left her, was his face. How Shinji had rushed to her and held her hand, screaming her name, telling her uselessly it would be alright when she knew, and he knew... that it was not. It hadn't been his fault, she thinks. He hadn't had time to react. The vehicle had come out of nowhere so suddenly and then hit her with just as sudden a jolt. But Shinji... he held her hand so tightly, and yet... she could feel nothing at all of his warmth in the end. Nothing. Her body's senses were already fading at that point. First, the sound disappeared, his voice gone to her forever and then his face. Those eyes, so full of pain, disappearing into the darkness, all the features of his face and skin blurring into blackness etching an image of misery into her mind that she would take with her into this life.

She'd woken then in the lab with the older woman looking down at her, her face a glum thing, lips a thin line with eyes cold and hard with thick bags under them, the once lustrous blonde hair having turned into a dull grayish thing. Smoke filled the air, entering her lungs which could now expand and contract. She let out a fit of coughs, turning over and away, the numbness of her last life still clinging to her so desperately, Shinji's pained face still etched in her mind.

"So you're awake," Dr. Akagi had said. "You'd better go to him. Tell him nothing of what transpired here. It won't matter anyways. I can't bring you back again. The others are too far gone."

Rei had gotten up quickly and looked into that woman's eyes. They were old. Seemingly empty, as if they'd receded far back somewhere she could not reach. The lines at the ends of her eyes added to that look. A look of defeat. She doesn't know what initially possessed this woman to bring her back as the fourth the first time, there having been a small batch of clone vessels not having been destroyed back in her madness to get back at Gendo who had betrayed her. Guilt perhaps? But why then bring her back now as the fifth? She'd turned away from the woman and whispered a hollow "thank you." Wether Dr. Akagi had heard or cared, she never said. There had been no reply back as she'd left the room in her new dress, learning to walk and stand anew.

She'd walked out, the numbness still clinging to her as she'd meandered the hallways before finding the one she was looking for. It had all been so new to her and yet memories flooded like railcars into her mind so that none of it was new. It was all old and painful. And then she saw him, head bowed in a seat, tears streaming down his cheeks as he had lifted from those pale hands to look into her eyes. A face matching that etched into her mind.

Shinji had rushed to her, gripping her hard in his arms, nearly crushing her, his emotions so strong. The second had been with him she'd noticed as the third embraced her. Long red hair coming down to her waist, eyes cold and distant with chin held high. The second, seemingly as cold and distant as ever. "Welcome back, wonder girl. Can hardly tell you were in an accident a few hours ago. Wish we could all come back like that."

The emotions had been too much then, the tears coming unbidden and she'd broken down, screaming, barely able to hear anything or respond appropriately, her hands digging into Shinji's shoulders as she buried her face in his chest. That's the last they saw of the second. Shinji had broken off contact with her not long after, telling her she was being irrational and anything but supportive considering what had happened her. Rei suspects Soryu knows. No woman should be able to come back from an accident that mangles her lower torso into a barely discernable mess. No one should.

Soryu had thought she'd come back perfectly fine and well, but on that matter she couldn't be further from the truth. The scars, the memories... they always remain. They always.. The tears come unbidden, as do the sudden screams, drowning out the sounds of her own child held against her chest. She screams, letting out the pain she's been holding so long, the loss and despair eating away at her. She is not Rei. She is a clone. A mirage. A fake carrying the memories of the fourth and those before her. It is not fair! It is not...

Strong arms wrap around her shoulders, a strong chest pressing against her back, stubbly hairs from a chin rubbing against her cheek. "Shhh..." Shinji whispers against her ear. "It'll be alright. I'm here, Rei. You don't need to cry."

She holds his arm with her free hand, leaning her head against him, not realizing when it was the tears came, only that they did. She can never let him know, never let him find out. Soryu is right. She is not the woman he initially married. She is simply a vessel of those memories. Of the agony of those years of happiness and love after the war ended. She is only a carrier of that. And nothing more...


	2. Chapter 2

His nails bite into the sheets, clawing at them, eyes squinting shut as his teeth grind against one another. The sweat beads on Shinji's forehead as he tosses and turns in his sleep, his heart thundering in his chest. In his mind he sees her, feels her hand as they're walking out of the theater, their shoes clicking on the pavement as they walk out. He remembers the feel of her arm wrapped around his own, her head leaning against his shoulder, a soft sigh coming from her lips. She'd seemed so peaceful, he thinks. There'd been a warmth to her eyes and the faintest trace of a smile on her lips. He'd been happy, elated with their tenth anniversary of marriage and thought nothing in life could be better than this moment.

Rei Ayanami. She'd looked up at him with those striking red eyes and she had leaned up to kiss him. As she was leaning towards his cheek, they'd heard it. The tires screeching across the road as some madman turned the corner. It had come so fast. There'd been a bright glare on his face, blinding him for a moment and then... an emptiness to his side where Rei had been, followed seconds later by the squealing of metal and an ear popping scream.

He always sees her in his dream, reaching out to him with her hand covered in blood, the same red bubbling down over her lips, her eyes seeming heavy and full of sadness. Always she is reaching for him, whispering his name like back then. "Shinji..." he hears her every time in her soft, small voice. And always.. He feels too far away and too slow to react. His hand reaching for hers, grasping it and closing around her fingers, but always feeling how numb and cold it is. She smiles, a sad parody of that warmth from only seconds ago before she fades in a wisp of wind.

"Rei!" he cries out, jerking up from bed, his eyes wide and large, his breathing ragged. As he feels the emptiness in bed, he looks over to his right, seeing the vacant spot she used to fill. The spot where she should be. The sheets still lie folded and unmolested in the night except for the area where he sleeps. Each time, his heart breaks at seeing this and he grits his teeth, the tears running down his cheeks. "Rei..." he whispers, wiping savagely at his eyes.

"I am here, Ikari," she says from his left. He turns to see her sitting next to the bed, eyes shining strangely in the darkness like some sort of dark angel. He turns away slowly, not sure if he remembers if the old Ayanami had eerie things like that happen or if it is simply because she'd accustomed herself to sleeping with him at his schedule rather than sitting up long hours into the night like she does now.

"You had another nightmare," she says bluntly from his side.

"Yes," he says, pulling up his knees, hugging them to his chest. He looks her over, so placid, staring at him with that alien look to her eyes. "Don't you have the nightmares too?" he ask. "I mean... about.. What happened?"

She shuts her eyes and stands up, walking over to the crib so she can look down at the child. "Yes," she whispers. "But I try and remember, it wasn't me. I wasn't the one there. It is just a memory of someone else."

"But... you were there."

"No," she says, her voice seeming to lack emotion. "I am the fifth."

"The fifth," he asks, questioningly. He remembers when Rei had first died... how the new Rei had said she was the third. The third one. How eerie it had been back then and so similar to this one... No, he thinks.

"Th-that's not right, is it?" he nearly yells. "Ritsuko... s-she... fixed you ... didn't she?"

Rei ignores him, lifting the baby who woke with his scream, now giving off its own scream in response. She holds the baby close, rocking it back and forth in her arms and coming back to her seat next to his bed. She is silent for a time and he waits, looking into her eyes which she keeps averted. After what seems like several minutes, she finally raises her eyes to look into his own. "For me... it is just a memory, Ikari. It isn't real."

Her words seem so hard and bitter, so final, that he has to turn away from her. His hand clenches into a fist and he throws himself off of bed, unable to take the tension anymore. He begins to go hurriedly through his drawers, pulling out clothes quickly. "Are you going to head out again?" she asks in her usual quiet voice.

He'd already been pulling up his pants and dawning a button up shirt when he hears her speak. He pauses in his dress, looking at her, into those deep red eyes. He tries to look for any sign of her, any sign of the woman he knew within those eyes from before the accident. But all he can see is a cold gaze looking back at him. The warmth that was once there, the smile beneath her eyes, is there no longer and he thinks he knows why.

He turns away from her, his head hanging low. "Yeah... I'm going to head out."

"Very well then," she says as if matters are settled. "I'll wait for you."

"Yeah... thanks," he says. She says nothing more and he has nothing more to respond with. He needs to have an answer to what he's feeling, to what may be going on with Rei and he knows who has the answers for him. Dr. Akagi.

He dawns the rest of his dress in a rush, grabbing the keys from the counter and opens the door, but as he is about to slip out, he stops. He is unsure why, but he looks back at her, at Rei and simply stares for a time. She stares back at him, her eyes impassive, but searching, as if measuring him. He lets her do so until the weight of her gaze is too much for him and he turns away, shutting the door behind him with a slam. Marching down the stairs, he raises the collar to his jacket, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth. He has to know, he thinks. Know if she is the one from before or... if she's someone else. He needs to know.

The door bangs shut, vibrating on its old hinges which threaten to give way, but they hold steady, firm. Like her. She turns away, rocking the baby in her arms who drifts slowly to sleep. Gendo, he is named. She remembers this from her borrowed memories.

The older Rei and Shinji had debated a bit about what to name the child, but had eventually settled on Gendo when Rei had put to him that neither would have met the other without him. That despite the troubles and hardships he'd put them both through, as a result, he was also the one who brought them together. Agreeing reluctantly, Shinji had named the child Gendo Ikari, after his father. Their father more appropriately, though the man had never treated her so much as a father as much as some awkward lover. One who would never give her but the briefest of touches but always seemed to have his gaze on her, wandering over her with lust or appreciation? Her memories can never offer her a straight answer.

Rei shudders. She is unsure why the other had such feelings of love for the older Ikari but thinking back on what those looks truly meant, she thinks, she hates that name. The child is still young, perhaps they can change the name?

She smiles, then remembering that they agreed to give it a secondary name. Kaji. After the man who had been like a surrogate father to Shinji. One who never acted the way Gendo did though he'd tease Shinji every opportunity he could. Yes, she thinks. That name is more appropriate than Gendo and it's the one Shinji constantly uses when referring to the baby. She should too.

The smile slips from her lips, a tear running down her cheek. She feels her body shiver and bites back her tears. If only... if only the memory were truly hers and not something borrowed from a corpse. If only.

He walks down the corridors of central dogma, his shoes beating a steady tempo against the hard steel floor. He looks on, knowing the path through the eerie red halls with glass walls holding gallons upon gallons of red oxygenated water. LCL. The life blood of the planet he remembers someone saying. The primordial sludge from which all life popped out from. He stops for a moment, observing the liquid as it bubbles and churns behind the glass. The memories come to him, unbidden, from a woman he once knew long ago.

For a moment, he stops, letting the images wash over him, remembering her face above him. Silent and passive, but full of compassion and love. Love for him. Rei...

"Shinji?" says a woman's voice in surprise. "What are you doing down here?"

Shinji turns, the worries of the world suddenly weighing down on him once more and reminding him of why he is here, her image disappearing from his mind's eye. He turns towards Dr. Akagi, his eyes narrowing.

She looks towards him, always dressed in her white lab coat, now threadbare and hanging loosely on her slender frame. The wrinkles have started at the edges of her eyes and run along her neck. She keeps her blonde hair short now, almost to the point of looking like a man with a look on her face that is stern, hands kept within her pockets.

"Ritsuko," he says, turning away briefly before looking back towards her, licking his lips. Does he really want this? Should he want this? He has her. At home. Waiting for him. But is it really her? Nails bite into his palm and he turns back to Dr. Akagi, his gaze hard and cold. "I have to know. Is that really Rei back home? Is that really my wife?"

She stares at him, keeping silent, her gaze hardening. After several tense moments she nods, turning away from him. "Come with me. I'll show you why there's no way it could be anyone else."

He follows, unsure if he wants to know the truth but at once having no choice. He can't run away from it anymore. He has to know the truth.


End file.
